The path to overcoming grief and loss is certainly not linear. You do not overcome the loss of another life but learn to live differently. The shadow, memories, love and history of another never dissipate or leave your heart. They remain there forever. Sometimes hidden, then other they rise deep within revealing themselves. The longing in your heart and the tears that stream and roll down your cheeks. The breath you struggle to take as you reach deep within your soul and feel.
This week and the end of last have been full of overwhelm, angst and trying to figure things out. I’d pushed the idea of it being grief from my mind. I was emotional, out of sorts. Then the universe forced or allowed me to stop and feel into it all.
Today would have been my mums 70th birthday. And this week whilst at my most emotional, she is the one I longed for the most. The one I could talk to, moan to, speak to and feel truly supported and never ever judged. Never had to alter my emotions. Never had to hold back or be someone I wasn’t I was just me.
Sunday night and in to Monday as I tried to hold it together things started to unravel. The overwhelm bubbled and pushed through. I went to work, then as one client cancelled, then my car broke down I was given the nudge to stop and really feel into what was going on.
I sat and I journaled, I reached out to a friend. I prayed I would see her, or feel her. I self-medicated through food, craving something to ease the emptiness. I gave gratitude, I meditated, I took a bath and yet nothing seemed to work.
I woke this morning and realised it wasn’t about getting me to work but just to allow what I was feeling to be, I wasn’t broken. There is no right or wrong way to be in grief.
I lit a candle and popped some essential oils on my heart and in my hands. I thought I would pray but instead I started to chant. ‘Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha’. I held my hands in prayer to my heart and chanted. The initial tear rolled then I felt strength, strength in my emotion and acceptance. I moved into my yoga routine and moved gently. Stretching out tension and feeling into my body and heart.
I wrote a list of all the things I loved about my mum and tuned into what an amazing being she was. Her love for her family, her fierce protectiveness, her commitment to supporting others and volunteering, her devotion to god and church yet never imposing an opinion about religion, her soft cheeks, smile and her sense of humour.
I think that is what I miss the most her truly wicked sense of humour. I long to be able to laugh like we laughed, tears streaming feeling like you might wee. This is my goal to find this inner and outer laughter again. To feel my belly sore from laughing.
I played Chuck Berry, Blues Brothers and thought about the music she enjoyed. I drew some cards and asked for guidance from her. I got the answers I needed to hear.
Next year I’ve decided I will take her birthday off from work. Do the things she loved to do, and remember all the fun times. To celebrate the amazing women who was my Mama.
Grief is not something to fix, or overcome. Emotions are the voice of your soul. They are communicating with you. Do what is right for you, there is no timeline, no guidebook, no rules to grief or loss. It’s personal. Be gentle, allow and know whatever you choose to do will be right for you.
Love and Live Your Light Susi xxxxx